Dear Bishop,

I wrote this note, a while ago...

Dear Bishop,

The other night, I listened to "Come Thou Fount" late one night, as I went to bed. I was filled with goodness and hope when I heard that song but when I went to the temple today, I didn't feel that peace. I no more have the desire to do evil but to do good continually. This weekend, I will be fasting for the courage to not give up.

I was searching for answers in the scriptures and was reading in Mosiah 28:4 (1-4) and I would prefer that I can be like an Ammon or an Alma Jr ... I have had glimpses of warmth and goodness come back into my life but I still have that same concern as did the sons of Mosiah. It reads: Chapter 28 1 Now it came to pass that after the sons of Mosiah had done all these things, they took a small number with them and returned to their father, the king, and desired of him that he would grant unto them that they might, with these whom they had selected, go up to the land of Nephi that they might preach the things which they had heard, and that they might impart the word of God to their brethren, the Lamanites— 2 That perhaps they might bring them to the knowledge of the Lord their God, and convince them of the iniquity of their fathers; and that perhaps they might cure them of their hatred towards the Nephites, that they might also be brought to rejoice in the Lord their God, that they might become friendly to one another, and that there should be no more contentions in all the land which the Lord their God had given them. 3 Now they were desirous that salvation should be declared to every creature, for they could not bear that any human soul should perish; yea, even the very thoughts that any soul should endure endless torment did cause them to quake and tremble. 4 And thus did the Spirit of the Lord work upon them, for they were the very vilest of sinners. And the Lord saw fit in his infinite mercy to spare them; nevertheless they suffered much anguish of soul because of their iniquities, suffering much and fearing that they should be cast off forever.

I know my Dad prays for me as did Alma & King Mosiah did for his boys but with me, he sees a good boy and knows nothing about what I have battled in silence and in secret. He prays more for my younger brother to return to grace than he thinks he has to do for me.

I don't want to let either of my father's down in the end. I'm willing to do whatever it takes to feel good again even if it means starting completely over. I'm possibly a cross between Corianton and Shiblon. I am Shiblon but I did not heed Alma the Younger as I ought. I see the potential in me that you see but I can't unlock it by myself. If the Lord is giving me a wake up call and I have stopped hitting snooze.

If I prove faithful and successful in my return back to grace, with God as my witness, you have my word that I will do ALL in my power to keep people from ever straying so far. Please keep me in your prayers and that God allots me enough time to sort through it all and once again have peace and then I will get back to work. This sin sick world needs to know that there is hope once I have established that I can. I won't give up and I won't give in and I won't back down.

Love, Brother Nelson

His Reply:

You are a good man and I am full of hope for your future. We will meet soon

RSR